Family or Love
by WickedSexyFaerie
Summary: Kagome's reflection on her having to choose between her family and Inuyasha since she knows the decision needs to be made soon.


Hey! It's been a long time since I've posted anything, and this was just on a whim anyway. I probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the fact that it's true lol. I love Inuyasha but this is my first piece I've ever done with the characters. After writing this, I think I realize why I'm so fond of it.

By the way... don't own Inuyasha, even though not a single name is used. I DO own the whole piece though! Even the feelings behind it.

Family or Love

by wickedsexyfaerie

If I look back over all the years, I really do have some wonderful memories. Most are filled with love, though the types of love are different. The love of a family and, at times, the love of a man. Though there are a few men in there that I can say loved _me_... I've only ever truly loved one of them myself. Without a second thought; Without a single question. Not only did, and do I still love him, but it's whole heartedly at that. At least, as whole heartedly as it can be with family and friends shoved in there as well. So why am I sitting here, you ask? In the middle of the night and wide awake? It's quite simple really, though the topic itself is far from being so. It's because I must choose between one or the other. My heart, or my soul. In the epic tale that my life has become, there is no having it all. The climax of my life story has crashed into me with a force that could rival "The Big Bang" that so many believe in. The bang in my life is the hardest thing I know I'll ever go through long after now. When I'm 80 and sitting on my porch having a drink, I'll still remember this and know that it was the most tramatic experience I've ever gone through. Believe me on this as I've had MANY interestingly, traumatizing moments throughout my short life already. My current problem is I have to pick between my family, and my love. I can only have one, because I know both cannot exist at the same time. I must decide on this side of the well or the other. I know that once I chose one there is no turning back. There is no second chance after I decide where I belong.

Now to inform you, It's not as "cut and dry" as many would believe it to be. In fact, it's not even close. I've had years to figure out which way to go so you would assume I have the answer. Yet here I am, down to the wire with only a short time left until all hell breaks loose, and I'm no where closer than when I found out the choice had to be made. I can feel the weight of it baring down on me everyday. Every moment I look at my family, I think of him and what'd it feel like to never see him again. Then I turn and every moment I talk with him, I think of them and how they've been there for me all these years. They both mean so much to me in so many different ways. Who do I choose? Where is it that I truly belong?

It makes me wonder if I should forget the predicament I'm in all together. Maybe I could just disappear so this decision doesn't shatter what bit of a soul I have left. I would do that, if it would really end my suffering, but I know it won't. Without either, I'd be prepared to end it all. I'd give up fighting in a world that requires strength every day. Simply because there'd be nothing left for me to fight for. As much as I don't want to lose one, I know being alone the rest of my life would surely destroy me from the inside out. With that in mind, it leaves me with even less options and conclusions than I had before I sat down to get my feelings out. Sorry if you were expecting something happy. Something filled with flowers, sunshine and "oh, this is why I love them." This WILL tell why I do, but not with the radiance that should follow. Instead, every line will be interwined with the devastation that plagues every hour of my existance. Whether I'm walking in the daylight, or if I'm flying in the world in my mind. Granted, that only applies to the nights I manage to fall asleep now, though. THAT'S something that's also really helping me with all this, let me tell you.

My family has forgiven me for so many past wrongs that I wish I could change. When I'd come home crying from something as simple as a bully at school, my mother would be right there to hold me until I calmed down. She has laughed, cried and yelled, both with and at me, through all my life. She is a constant that I have taken forgranted until I realized that she might not always be there. That she may not always be the loving, yet embarassing, backbone that I've relied on. She has supported me through so many things that a normal mother wouldn't have to deal with when it comes to her daughter. She gave me a wonderful, though mostly chaotic, home that is filled with people that I don't think I can live without seeing ever again. I love how I have to explain some things to her that are simple to me, yet difficult for her. It reminds me of the hard life she had growing up, and it makes me proud to even know her. That I came from someone as strong and, at the same time, thoughtful as this woman... I'm just greatful that I have the privilege to call her my mother.

_ He _is a whole nother topic all together. He's irritating, stubborn, protective... in a nut shell, he's a pain in my ass. Then again, I guess I'm all those things to him at times as well. He's also thoughtful, sweet and intelligent. He understands me better than everyone ever has. It wasn't an instant thing, though. God, no, it wasn't even close to that. It took us both years to learn how to read each other the way we do. A "humf" like this mean this, and an eye brow raise on that side means that. The one thing he does, that he never had to learn how to do, is give me power. From the second I met him, I knew there was something about him that called out to me. A trust that I placed in him almost instinctively. One thing I'm positive of in all this is that I wouldn't have made it if it had never been for him. He's the angel I needed in my life that saved me from myself. He was sent to me when I needed him most. He'll never admit to having any hand in who I've become since I met him, but I really do owe it all to him.

These facts, however, change nothing in this hellish circumstance. This reality of mine is already showing it's horrendous presence as much as I can allow it. In other words, I'm exhausted most days, my chest pains me with a constant state of heart burn, headache are no longer rare for me, and I find that even paying attention to simple conversations now adays are taking more concentration than it used to. These are factors that I cannot control, and that irritates me to no end. With what I can manage with my wanning might, though, I force myself to smile. It's what others want and expect of me, after all. I smile in front of my family so they can't see the storm in my mind. To them, the decision doesn't even exist. To him, it's always there. Always thrown at me, whether it's on purpose or sub-consciously. Underneath his words that I know he means to come out like "this is your choice. I can't make it for you." All I hear is "you have to choose me, you know. You'll never find someone better suited for you." My friends are the only ones that see the calm before the storm behind my brown eyes. The explosion that they know I'm holding in to maintain normacy until I'm alone and I can unleash it. Let it rain and control every thought and moment I have. I knowingly let it consume me to the point of insanity. To others, if they were to walk in on me, I'm willing to bet everything I own that they WOULD think me insane for the hysterics they would witness. It is essential for me to give it control like a demon half of my own fighting for dominance. I've found that if you let it rule you, if only for a few minutes, then it's easier to trap when you're facing others. I let it release it's pent up anguish and anger so when the time comes, it can sleep. Always with the hope that I'll go away. Sadly, it never leaves me be like I want. Like I wish for with all that's left of my tattered being.

My friends... they don't talk about it unless I bring it up. I both love and thank them for that fact. They could never understand the situation I'm in the very center of, and I've never once expected them to be able to. They've never had to choose. The only people that I feel could possibly understand the literally gut wrenching decision are famous characters of fiction. Those that do not exist in my time, nor have ever existed in the first place. I like to think sometimes, though, that Juliet did exist. That she did have to pick between her family and her Romeo. As foolish as it seems, and even though it does nothing, it makes me feel as though I'm not the only person in the history of man that has to do this. I'm not as vain as I'm probably coming off though, mind you. I'd bet my soul to the devil himself that I'm not the only one this dilemma. However, it reminds me, oddly enough, in this banter that my best friend and I have sometimes. She'll look at me and say "You know, the world does not revolve around you." I'll just laugh and say "I know, but my world does, and that's all that matters to me." The sad thing is that they both ARE my world. Without either one, it's going to be incomplete anyway. The only real question is who is the biggest part? Which one is sixty, while the other is forty?

They both are slowly crushing what used to make me me, all the while remaining clueless. Oblivious to the truth that this is too much for one simple girl to take. No less a simple girl like me. I've become a medium in a world full of the living. There are no dead around me, yet the ghosts of their words and my past haunt me every step I take. Every breath I breathe in is my mother's sarcastic wit. Every breath out is his protective charm. His voice suffocates my mind, while hers incinerates my heart. When they are both gone, all I'll have left is my body and soul. My body is already slowly fading on me. My soul is so much harder to go by. Though it knows it's found it's mate, it is wavering still. No matter what I do, I am faced with one blaring fact. I cannot bring myself to decide until I have no choice. When that last second hits, and one looks at me and says "Now. You have to decide. There is no time left." At that moment, I pray that I will know which way to go. What path I am to live on and follow for the rest of my days. As of right now, I cannot choose, because no matter which way I go, I'll always wonder the rest of my life... did I pick the right path? For right now, I'll just go back to staring out the window, listening to deafening silence around me and ask myself the question that even I don't have the answer to. The question no one has the answer to.

Will I make the right choice?

I'm not gonna ask you to do the normal thing. I just hope you enjoyed it in some way. If you want me to know that, then sweet! If not, then thanks for reading either way!


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